


It is not the end

by LionDargent



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Altean Marks, Altean magic, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Body Dysphoria, Consequences of past events, F/M, Facing problems, Fix-It, Important Discussions, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Lance centered (Voltron), M/M, Multi, Post Season 7, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, lot of angst, rewrite season 8, traumas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-11
Updated: 2019-03-06
Packaged: 2019-10-23 23:33:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17693282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LionDargent/pseuds/LionDargent
Summary: The Voltron Team finally came back to earth. After defeating Sendak and the robeast, Lance wakes up in a hospital bed. Two weeks and he is good to go. While he thought he could just take things where he left them, he finds himself incapable of being the same guy that left earth years ago. He doesn't understand why. Things are just... different now that he is back home. His feelings are all over the place just like his body that does really crazy things. Has it anything to do with those Altean marks he got since Allura brought him back to life?Maybe it's just time to leave the team.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hum... Hi!  
> It's the first time I write something for the Voltron fandom, meaning, I don't really know what the fuck I'm doing.  
> Like an enormous part of the fandom, I was disappointed by the last season, even if I didn't really expect much of it. A lot of things were left behind or added without explanation. To solve that huge problem, one would have to rewrite entire seasons and not just the last one. But I wanted to try and deal with things that are important to me. I won't be able to solve every weird plot point and will just go my way. Well it's just garbage but I wanted to do something so... here is my attempt...

Lance could barely open his eyes. His head was spinning, burning, barely allowing him to hold a straight thought. He couldn't move his limbs, couldn't even feel them as they were hanging at his sides. His skin felt as if a million needles coated with liquid fire were piercing it.

His eyes moved painfully under his half-closed eyelids. He tried to figure out what was happening, but he couldn't grasp anything above the pain. His ears were buzzing. He tried to breathe slowly and concentrate on thinking. Remembering. They had defeated the robeast. Earth was safe. Hopefully, the whole team had survived without too much damage. Research teams would soon arrive and get them out of there. He was sure of it. He had to do something, move at least a little to make the extraction easier.

He tried to sit up. His eyes snapped open as a sharp pain pierced his lower back. Mouth open on a silent scream, finger crushed on the armrest, he let himself fall heavily, tears in his eyes, sobs choked in the back of his throat.

His mind drifted. There was pain all over him, only pain. He tried to move again but his breaths were so jerky and faint he felt like suffocating.

 _Concentrate_ , he told himself,  _breathe, you can do it._

His throat burned, his chest barely raised. He felt like something was off, one or two ribs had probably broken under the shock of landing. Maybe even more. He couldn't determine the damage but something was telling him that if he moved too much, he would take the risk of piercing his lungs. He could slightly feel his legs and arms shaking but couldn't control them, just like they weren't really his. His head, resting on his right shoulder was as motionless as the rest.

Fear rose in his chest. He tried to stifle it but it grew and grew again until his chest was rising faster, drowning his body in pain.

He had lived many things since he embarked on this space war with the others, but never before had he felt prisoner of his own body. Not even when the castle ship had been attacked for the first time by Sendak. At least at the time he was unconscious for the most part. Now, he was fully aware that his body was an aching jail to his foggy mind. He closed his eyes and waited. It was the only thing left for him to do. Red wasn't answering his calls, neither was his body and he was so deep in his prickly cocoon of pain that even lifting his eyelids was coasting him too much energy.

He was drifting between wakefulness and sleep when he heard screaming outside.

"MacClain? Lance McClain? Are you ok?"

He opened his mouth to answer but only a trembling breath passed his lips.

A wave of anguish overwhelmed him. The marks. He couldn't let anybody see the marks. He straightened up, teeth clenched in agony.

"Paladin MacClain, can you hear me?"

A wave of light flashed around him. He narrowed his eyes. Someone rushed to his side and knelt in front of his seat.

"Hey, are you ok? Oh my God, you're bleeding!"

"Shh... m' head..."

It was barely a whisper. The man reached for his face. Lance gave in to panic and grabbed his wrist with in a trembling gesture. His breaths became whistles as a stinging feeling pierced inside.

"Wait... You have to... promise..."

His head was throbbing, a vibrant clanging echo spreading in every inch of his consciousness. He was going to faint, he could feel it. But before that, he  _had_  to make sure that nobody would see, that nobody would know.

He met a pair of worried brown eyes.

"I'll get you out of here, don't worry," the man said in a soothing voice. "He's awake", he shouted to someone behind the seat.

Lance winced.

"Shh, you must promise," he repeated, his fingers tightening around the man's wrist. His body was so sore, he wasn't even sure his grip was as secure as he thought. "Your name."

"Mathias. My name is Curtis Mathias. What do you want me to promise you?"

"My face... nobody can see... the marks." He closed his eyes, trying to ignore the twinge that was taking over his consciousness more and more. "The blue marks on my face... you must promise to always... cover them... no one can see them. Never. Understood?"

"Paladin McClain, I don't know if..."

"Promise me... I'm begging you..." The sound was choked, barely audible. His hand fell.

Curtis hesitated a moment but nodded firmly.

Lance let the pain take over and passed out, not sure if he had seen correctly.

When Lance regained consciousness, he was laying down, surrounded by the softest sheets he ever touched. Well, it was probably not actually true but it sure felt like it. A thousand questions popped up in his mind but he first took a second, eyes closed, to inhale deeply. Fresh air, cleaning products and lavender. His chest rose and fell with ease. There was still a dull ache lingering in his head and lower back with a light buzzing in his ears, but after a quick mental check, he noticed that everything else seemed alright. He opened is eyes. He was in a hospital chamber, alone and if the lighting was anything to go by, it seemed really late at night. He turned to the bedside table and smiled when he caught the sight of a flower pot full of purple and white tulips. He stretched a hand to catch a purple one and played with it between his fingers before rubbing it softly against the tip of his nose. Simple, sweet and pretty.

It felt like home. Those were his favorites. He remembered the first time it began to mean something to him. He was five. He had just gotten into a heated argument with Veronica and was so mad at her he had stated that he wouldn't put a foot in the house until she apologized to him. Stamping outside, arms crossed, cheeks full of angry air, he had walked toward the back of the house where he'd found a bench to sit on. It was cold but his will for rebellion was stronger than his shivering body. His mother had found him there. It just took her a look at his expression to understand the situation. She had taken his hand and brought him to the covert part of the garden where she kept her favorite flowers. He couldn't really remember how long they had stayed there, talking about what each plant meant, how to take care of them or why they hold such a dear place in his mother's heart, but when the night fell, they came home, his joyful self back with no memory of what had happened with his sister. Veronica was still mad, but it was only because she had looked desperately for him and had began to panic, not daring tell anyone that their little one had ran away because of her. He had then given her the flower with a sorry face. Bright purple, barely touched by rain water. A token of peace.

Every birthday she gave him white tulips along with his gift while he gave her a purple one. It was a weird habit they had caught without really noticing at first. But then he went in space. For several years. Plus the ones he didn't even remember passing. He hadn't thought about that for so long. He felt something heavy in his throat. He had avoided thinking about home for so long and when he came back, they were so caught up in the fight against Sendak he hadn't had the time to just appreciate being home.

He put the flower back in the pot and sunk back in the soft pillow under his head. He was home. It finally felt like it. Despite the hospital setting, the uncertainty, the light pain he still felt, despite everything he didn't know yet about what was happening outside this room... It felt like home. No war council to hold, no pressure, no tense or expecting looks, no mission to go in. Just a bed and some pretty flowers. He closed his eyes and just took a minute to contemplate the silence. Without realizing it, he was soon fast asleep.

He woke up again when something gently brushed his cheek. He opened his eyes and crossed two oceans of sweetness.

"Mama!"

Two arms encircled him with more love than it was humanly possible to receive at once.

"Mijo," she whispered, stroking his hair, "I'm so happy you're fine. You have no idea how scared you I was!"

Lance's throat was too tight to answer, he just squeezed her harder against him. Nobody gave better hugs than his mama, she was the only person in the world who knew how much he liked them. How much he needed them.

She finally let him go and left a kiss on his forehead. He opened his mouth, ready to ask her every question he thought about when the door opened to make room for the rest of his family. Sylvio and Nadia jumped on his bed. They had no regards for his wounds, too happy to see him awake. He didn't complain and took each under one arm as they pressed against his ribs, drowning him under a million words.

Everyone started to speak at the same time, covering each other's voice creating a noisy mess. Questions, comments, jokes, stories. Lance tried to concentrate on his father's words but then Nadia pulled his clothes for attention, causing Sylvio to do the same while trying to cover his own mother's words. Lance was tempted to tell them to talk in turn but was at the same time so happy to see them all around him that he just didn't dare say a thing. He frowned when he noticed someone missing : Veronica. Luis told him that she was stuck at work but would come later. He didn't mind, he knew his sister well enough to know that if she could have come, she would be there. But then again, she already visited him at least once : those flowers were definitely from her.

He was not usually a very patient person, but every time his nephew or niece made him a smile full of teeth and dimples he just surrendered. They all stayed until a doctor came and dragged everyone out. The woman made sure to replace his bandages and asked him some questions about how he felt, giving him a reassuring smile. She then left the room, advising him to take some rest. He welcomed this new loneliness with gratitude and quickly drifted again more tired that he thought he would be.

When he opened his eyes for the third time, a man was sitting by his bed. He blinked a moment, searching his memory for a name but nothing came. He didn't seem to be able to replace the guy's face. The man turned the page of the book he was reading when he realized that Lance was awake. He smiled softly.

"Glad to see you're awake. How are you feeling?"

It took a few more seconds for the Paladin to recognize the brown eyes full of worry that were staring at him. Curtis, if he remembered well. The guy who found him. He immediately put his hands to his face, panicked. The marks! How could he have forgotten?

"I covered them. With a little makeup, it did a pretty good job. But I must say that with the number of doctors that gravitated around you, it really wasn't an easy task."

"Thanks," Lance sighed. "How are the others?"

Curtis put his book on the bedside table and leaned over him, elbows on his knees, fingers crossed.

"They are fine. They are all awake. Miss Holt and Mister Kogane were the first ones to recover despite some serious wounds. You remained unconscious for two weeks, more than all the others. When I found you ... well, I didn't really know if you'd survive the shock. Your head was bleeding so much that doctors were afraid that you would never regain consciousness. As for the marks ... I must confess I am rather curious about them. From what I understand, these marks are Alteans, right?"

"Yeah," Lance said, resting his head against the pillow.

"But you are human."

"As far as I know." He didn't want to talk or event think about it. It was already bad enough that a total stranger knew they existed. "Look, I'd prefer not to talk about it, is it possible?"

"As you wish".

Lance could see that the idea of not having the answers bothered him, but he didn't insist. Instead, he told him about what was going on in the world, the state of repair and all the new measures that were being put in place. In his two weeks of unconsciousness and the week and a half he spend in bed since, he had missed quite a bit. Defense systems were being installed in the largest cities of the world in priority, built on the basis of technological mix between the Galra, Altean and human technologies. With the collaboration of the Blade of Marmora and the different alien races that came to help Earth, the progress were way faster and efficient than they would have been with human effort only.

Curtis paused when he saw Lance dozing.

"Maybe I should go, you need some rest. I'll come back later, okay?"

Lance nodded and a few seconds later he was sleeping again.

The doctors refused to let him go and kept him in observation for three more days. They only freed him when he began to complain so loudlyand flirt so hard with nurses that everyone that passed the door was on the verge of slapping him. It is with more relief than he could ever say that he returned to his private room with everything exactly where he had left them the last time he was there.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit longer but still boring and ugh, conjugation is really not my thing...

" _Hey, guys, that radiation belt is getting closer!"_

_"Last piece in place" answered Hunk. "Fire up that power, Pidge!"_

_A few seconds later, t_ _he quintessence went through the plates, shining a bright purple light._

_"Shield up!"_

_Lance finally let a breath go. For a second everything seemed fine, until it didn't. The power went down. Fast. The shield had disappeared. He looked up at the radiation belt, panicked._

_"What's going on with the plates?"_

_Tense, Lance scanned the place the shield should have been, trying to understand what was happening. If the shield did not get up quickly, they'd never survive the hit! The thought barely crossed his mind that he spotted the energy concentrating_ _at the center of the broken plate's cracks. Just below the blue lion. Just below Allura._

 _“_ _Allura!”_

_He pushed the controls, rushing Red to his teammate to throw her out of the way. The shock against Blue left Red and him dizzy for a second and before he had time to move himself away from the beam, the concentrated quintessence hit him. His body straightened up with a sudden jolt, tensed as electric charges ran through him, each muscle contracted by shock, burned, as if tiny knives were scraping every inch of his skin, penetrating his body to his heart. A scream tore his throat as he felt his inside boiling, eyes almost ejected from their sockets. The energy finally left him, leaving behind a limp body falling against the pilot seat._

Lance sat up on his bed, eyes wide, heart pounding, mouth opened for air that rushed rough into his lungs. One fist clutched tight on the sheet the other on his chest, he closed his eyes and internally repeated the same words his mother used to tell him when he was younger and had nightmares.

_“Cierra los ojos y respira, hijo. Eres un niño grande, los pesadillas no pueden hacerte nada."_

Hand on his mouth, he tried to suppress his sobs. He breathed deeply, focusing his whole attention on that simple act until his heart finally calmed down.

He died. For a minute, maybe two. At the time it felt like eternity. He could almost still feel the pain, as if he was being ripped apart. His mind was like snatched out of his body. It was the first time he began to feel like he wasn't himself anymore. When he had woken up to the sight of Allura, something had been added to him, or was missing, he couldn't tell. Several months later, he still couldn't.

He turned to his phone. 03:11 am. He wouldn’t be able to sleep, now. It wasn't even worth trying. He got out of bed and walked to the bathroom. It was in those moments that he was most happy Iverson had given them private rooms since the team came back to Earth. He didn't have to confront anyone with his nightmares and lack of sleep. He almost missed his hospital bed. He didn't really know what the doctors gave him but at least he had good night sleep. In almost a week, he had forgotten what it was like.

The cold water on his burning skin was a relief. After a few times, he was almost totally calm. When he raised his eyes again, he tried to smile, just to know how it felt. Weird was the answer. He hesitated a second before meeting his own face on the mirror. His brown skin was pale, his blue eyes surrounded by dark circles. And just under, on his temples, light blue marks. He raised a hand to try to feel them. His skin was smooth. He already knew that but every time he saw them, he couldn't help but touch. They were part of him, as if they had always been there. He stared at the reflected image for a moment and on the back of his mind, something shifted. A presence. And then a noise. Like a scream. Or a… roar?

He remembered the first time he saw the markings. They hadn't appeared immediately after Allura brought him back but he knew it was the reason they were there. In fact, he hadn't felt a thing for some time. A few days had passed and it was just like he hadn't died. They had objectives, a mission, he was too focused on what was going on to realize. And then the fight with Lotor happened, they lost the Castle of Lions, they got Shiro - _the real Shiro_  - back. And everything fell onto him. Guilt, mainly. He cared for his teammates more than he could express, and yet… yet despite all the clues he hadn't been able to understand that one of his friends needed help. He told himself that he couldn't have known, that Shiro was still kind of a hero to him and that because of it he hadn't dared dig deeper. He had found himself so much excuses but the truth was that he was a failure. He rarely felt like that but that day, it was like the universe was crumbling. It was the first night he woke up after seeing,  _feeling,_ himself dying again. The marks were there, pale blue on his face. Along with guilt. And shame.

He blinked and splashed his face again a few times with cold water. He dried himself quickly and cast a glance over the cream pot standing close to his toothpaste. It was a gift an Olkari young women had given him the last time they had gone to the planet. Everyone was busy doing important things and no one seemed to need him anywhere so he had decided to take a walk. He was just looking around, knowing he would leave the market without buying anything when that girl had approached him. Out of boredom and because he hadn't flirted for a long time, his Loverboy persona had made a quick come back to be rewarded by the girl's pretty smile. He had come out of there with a few beauty products he didn't ask for but didn't refused either. Out of politeness as much as interest. She had said that it would clean his skin of impurities, “not like he really needed it”. He had kind of forgotten them in Red to finally find them again when he was desperately searching for something to cover the pale blue shapes. He had hoped it would make then disappear but no. At least it covered them quite well, leaving behind a clean brown skin.

He took a kick shower, brushed his teeth, used the cream and put his suit on before living the place.

Seven days now that he was cleared from the med bay. When he came back to his room the first day, he was too eager to do something to “not get agitated too fast” like the doctor had advised him. He had quickly found Hunk and the rest of the team. They were a little all over the place, their mind all about the repairs. He was a little sad, at first that they didn't really took the time to appreciate that he was still alive and just gave him something to do instead, but he quickly forgot that when he left the facility and saw what was going on outside. It was a little crazy, as much to see how much things had been destroyed than everyone coming together to help. He had stopped a second when he'd first spotted different aliens going around in a so familiar environment. It was weird, but in a very good way. He must have looked like an idiot, grinning like he did.

At three in the morning, while the facility wasn't completely asleep, it was still rather silent, guards patrolling in the hallways. A week ago, they were rather not pleased to see someone unauthorized walking around at night, savior of the universe or not, but he was rather good at making friends and, well, the Paladin card _did_ work. A soldier nodded a stiff salute while walking next to him and turned, continuing his patrol.

Lance found his way to the training room the Garrison had newly set up, following the design and functions the training deck had in the Castle. He walked to the command panel and set his usual combat configuration. For the following hour and a half he worked on his aim and speed, putting his visual sharpness to the test. His eye on what he could see through the gun sight, he was quick, hands still, heart slow. It was just like he could see everything on slow motion. Excitation made him more focused. And for a moment, he felt whole, like nothing was wrong, a huge grin eating his face.

He was good at that and he knew it.

He stood from his kneeling position and decided to work on his close combat skills. He modified the command and the board. One of the androids at the side of the big room roused and firmly walked to him before quickening its pace. Lance knew exactly where the first punch would come from, he was good at predicting from afar, but when the second blow came, his face met the ground. Close combat was  _really_ not his thing. He almost felt naked when he had to fight without the reassuring weight of a gun in his hands. He rolled on the floor and stood up farther, trying to see from the way it moved what it would do so he could try to fight back. But up close, everything was too fast, he hadn't a full view of the scene and was only able to react, avoid and retreat.

He didn't know really how much time he spend in the room but at some point, he met the ground so hard he chose to stay down.

“End training sequence."

The android stopped, its light turned off. Lying down, Lance was breathing heavily, his blood rushing in his body, echoing in his head. He was so bad at that! He started laughing. Even though his body had probably hit every inch of the room - walls and floor alike - since the week he started doing that, he liked it. Not the “being beaten” part, more the “feeling freaking alive” part.

“You fight like a sniper.”

Lance stopped laughing like a madman, rose to his elbows and turned behind him, toward the door. A guy was standing there, arms crossed on his chest, looking at him up and down. Lance stood up.

“Excuse me?”

The guy turned his eyes, embarrassed for half a second before meeting his gaze again.

“You think like a sniper, that's why you keep kissing the ground.”

“What if I  _like_  kissing the ground?” Lance grinned. “You're Kinkade right? One of the MFE pilots.”

“Yeah.”

“What are you doing here, it's like, six or something.”

“Almost seven, actually. People are waking up. I… I saw the lights on and, well, it was kind of weirdly fascinating to see you getting beat up.”

“Glad someone liked it!” He was walking to him when he stopped. His smile froze. He frowned. “Is that a camera? Did you record that?”

Kinkade briefly glanced at the object hanging around his neck before looking at him again.

“It's not what you think. I wasn't… well, yeah, I recorded, but I won't show it to anyone, don't worry. I'm just used to record things. Like, for myself. I like it. It's really not as weird as it sounds. I wasn't… I...”

“Hey, chill.”

Head slightly tilted on the side, Lance was smiling, looking at this big guy floundering in his explanations. He didn't even know the dude could talk. He remembered seeing him a bunch of times, often with his team but always silent.

“Can I see the video? I probably should've thought of that sooner."

Tension leaving his shoulders, the pilot nodded.

A week later, it became a habit to wake up around three in the morning - often after a nightmare, the rest of the time just because of a bad night sleep -, come to the training room alone and find Kinkade watching him a few hours later. Sometime he joined him. Most of the time, he just silently observed, camera in hand. When Lance got enough beating, he joined him and they watched the session together, commenting his every move. When everyone was up, they went each their way.

There was always something to do. So much, in fact, that Lance rarely had the occasion to see the others. Allura spent a lot of time in the med bay waiting for the Altean girl to wake up. He had hesitated to go see her a few times but decided against it. Hunk was always busy in the city or with his family. Pidge was nose deep in her tech and coding with her parents. He hadn't seen Shiro at all since he woke up. Keith was spending his time with his mother and the Blade of Marmora. They had found a few old members that hadn't fall under enemy's hands and were recruiting new Galras. Or so he heard. He had seen none of them – or just a glimpse – since he left his sick bed. His family had returned home and even Veronica had barely a few minutes for him and every time he saw her, he felt guilty to bother her. So he stopped.

The truth was that he was doing everything he could to stay busy and was growing more and more frustrated by the lack of will from the team to get together. Even for a simple meal. He was eating alone, training - most of the time - alone, helping alone. He tried not to think too much but quickly realized that the tasks he put himself into tended to become automatic, allowing his mind to drift. And it wasn't good.

Now that he had time, he realized that he was still out of place. It was little things first, but put together, it painted a picture not that nice. Every time someone touched him, he started, ready to put the person down. He panicked when hearing a sudden noise, as if his body was trained to react. He was constantly on edge, tense, yearned for company and found none. He needed to move, to do something at all time. If he sat for more than a few minutes, he panicked. He couldn't sleep because when he closed his eyes, it was like he couldn't breathe. Like he was dying.

Something was wrong with his head. He couldn't tell what exactly but he could feel it. He had constant headaches and pills had no effects. Sometimes, as crazy as it sounds, he felt like he wasn't alone in his mind. Like someone else, some _thing_ else, was there, floating in his thoughts. And there was that roaring he was the only one to hear and that would not leave him alone. He was scared. So he busied himself. But it didn't work. On the contrary, he grew more and more frustrated, angry and now that he wasn't stuck in space with the others and had only his emotions as company, he started to pick up on things he never accorded a thought to before. Things that had happened in space with the others. Things that weren't okay but that he had accepted either way, just because he didn't want to create tensions, because they needed to stick together. 

He wanted to go back home. When the thought crossed his mind, he realized that it was what he really wanted. Go back home. Leave the team. It wasn't his place anymore. Maybe it never had been. He had seen enough of this fight on the front line. It was time to retire.

“Hey, are you ok?”

Lance lifted his head. He was standing in the middle of a hallway. Just standing.

“Yeah.” He had avoided Curtis as much as he could. He rather liked the guy, he seemed nice and all, but he _knew_. And Lance hated that someone knew. “I'm just… I was going...” What was he doing? He frowned. He couldn't remember. It happened a lot these days too. Time loss. Another sign that he really needed to leave this place and come back only once every part of him would have been put together again. Otherwise, he was just useless.

“Want a coffee?”

“I don't like coffee.”

Curtis smiled and he had this expression on his face as if Lance was a puppy he wanted to gently pat on the head. Or a child. “Well, there are other hot drinks if you like.”

He looked at the man, mouth open to refuse but nodded instead. He frowned. Why did he...?

“Alright then!” He resumed walking and Lance followed.

When they found a table to sit, their drinks in front of them, Lance looked at his mug, a little spoon spinning in the brown liquid. 

"So, how are you doing? I haven't seen you since you came out of the med bay."

"I was kind of avoiding you."

The man smiled, definitely aware of that. "Yeah, I've noticed. If you don't want to talk about the... things you asked me to hide, it's ok, we don't have to. I'm just a little concerned about you. You seem, I don't know, a little different from what I heard."

"What you heard?"

"Veronica, she constantly talks about you. You're like her favorite little brother."

"Her _only_  little brother."

"Yeah, but still," he smiled. And weirdly, Lance smiled too. There was a certain easiness to the man in front of him, a kindness in his eyes that soothed the tension in the Paladin's shoulders. "She told me you two used to fight a lot when you were younger. That you are the most _intense_ kid she has ever known and that she adores you."

"Well, yeah, I have the most adorable face in the known universe, no one can resist my charm."

"So, can you tell me why your adorable face looks so sad?"

"I'm not..." Curtis' brown eyes were so sincere it almost felt wrong to not tell him the truth. Beside, was he not the one complaining about being alone? That guy in front of him was the warmest presence he had felt for some time, now. It changed from the distant presence of his dawn partner. Between his fingers, his hot chocolate was getting cold. "I just thought a lot these past days. About what I did, what I wanted and realized that I just don't belong here anymore."

"I don't understand."

"I just want to go home. When I'll get my hands on the team, I'll tell them."

"Wait a minute, you are quiting? Like, the Voltron team?"

"And the Garrison. For now, anyway. Iverson will probably refuse to take me back after that, but it's probably worth it. I really need some time off."

"Sure but does it have to mean leaving? I mean, I guess you all need some rest but even if there wasn't the Honerva plus Altean problem still out there, it seems like a rushed decision. Does it have something to do with the-" he looked around him and lowered his voice while leaning over the table, "the markings?"

Lance open his mouth to answer but found nothing to say. It wasn't just the ugly blue things on his face it was… well, no, maybe it was it. The feeling of urgency, the weird sounds, his need to constantly be on the move. He had felt some of these things before, in a way, they weren't knew, but since he woke up after the Altean-powered-rebeast thing, everything was more intense. Just like the nightmares and the feeling of death lingering on his skin. Maybe whatever Allura had done to him was the cause of all of this.

"Probably. I don't know. I just..." he was lost, like he was lacking an anchor to the world. Somehow, working out every morning and keeping himself busy had worked for some time. But the frustration, the anger, it was like he had lost an essential part of himself but didn't know exactly how. Just that it had happened when he had died. "I lost something. Myself. And I don't think I'll be able to get it back if I stay here."

Because it was somewhat scary to be so close to the ones he called friends and so far away at the same time. Because how was he supposed to save the universe, again, without being in his right mind? Because he hated feeling like he was. Maybe he should wait until things calmed down. But a strange urge had been scratching his skin for days and he had no idea what that feeling was for.

Curtis leaned back on his chair with a sigh. “The repairs on the city are almost done. There is a celebration party scheduled for a week from now. Maybe you could at least stay until then.”

Lance nodded but he had no intention of attending any party. He really wasn't in the mood for that. But he stayed a week. Not by choice, though. For the six following days, he kept trying to reunite everyone on the same location. He could understand that everyone was busy doing their own things, but still. Why was it so difficult to have seven people on the same place at the same time for just a minute? People who were supposed to be friends, who were supposed to _want_ to be together. He hadn't planned on doing a speech, he just needed two minutes to announce the news and say goodbye. But apparently, even just that was too hard to get.

On the seventh day, after hearing that none of them would be at the party, he decided that it was much simpler to write a letter and give it to Coran. So he did. He had thought about sending a grouped message to the team but finally decided against it. It felt somehow more rude than sending someone to deliver the message. And it was not like any of them would care anyway. Just before leaving his room, Lance reread the few lines :

_Hey Coran,_

_I'm sorry to say that on paper, I would have preferred to tell everyone face to face but I tried and, well, it's not really worth it anyway. I'm leaving the team. Can you tell the others?_

_Thanks,_

_Lance._


	3. Chapter 3

Family? Lance could feel the anger growing in his chest. He didn't want to snap at Hunk. Or any of them for that matter. He really thought that some things were meant to stay untold, plus, he didn't want to part on an angry note. Why couldn't they just accept it and move on?

“Lance, is there something you'd like to say? You know that if there is any problem we can help you with it, you don't have to leave the team. If you just need some time away, I can understand, we all kind of feel the same here, but you have to understand that it is not just about us as individuals : Voltron is the most powerful weapon in the universe and we all take part in it. We cannot put our selfish desires before the universe. I am sure you understand that.”

He could feel that Allura meant well, always talking in a soothing voice and he also knew that with the Altean found on the robeast, she had issues of her own. But in a way, her perfect sitting pose and compassionate face made him feel like a capricious little boy and he hated it. It wasn't just a caprice, he couldn't stay. He just couldn't.

“You still haven't given us any answer to the main problem,” cut Pidge, “what about Red and her only-worthy-people-unless-it's-Lance policy?”

Lance almost laughed. Bitterly.

“Allura can take the place, it's rightfully hers, Red will understand. And Blue is a really kind one, she just needs a nice person to give a chance to.”

“And what if it doesn't work?”

“You have plenty of time, Earth is not in immediate danger and if something happens there is still Atlas. I made up my mind and won't go back on my words. It's all I have to say.”

“Lance,” tried Shiro voice hesitant, “is it... Is it because of the clone thing? You know that it wasn't your fault, right?”

“It has nothing to do with that,” answered Lance without meeting his eyes.

In fact, it was just part of the problem. A big problem that existed for so long, that he kept for himself for so long he feared he would just let everything flood the place if he stayed on that seat any longer. He needed to move, to do something. She should maybe go run for a bit after that. And then take a shower. He could feel the tip of his fingers twitching. He needed to move.

“Would you mind just telling us why, then? I think we deserve to know.”

“It's none of anyone's business.”

“So what, you're just gonna flee the fight now that we are almost done?” The green Paladin was a perfect mix between boredom and annoyance. “At such an important moment? Without even telling us why?”

“Maybe I just can't stand you anymore.”

She lifted an eyebrow at him, a mocking smile at the bridge if her lips.

“Is that so?”

"Yeah, it is so!" Something was wrong. His hands where twitching even harder, now. He couldn't think straight. His heart beats where loud, so loud they began to vibrate in his head, deafening him. Something in his chest, like a weird feeling that wasn't really his started to grow. "I just can't stand you. You call us family" he say turning angrily his eyes to Hunk "but you were my best friend, always by my side, always got my back no matter what happened when we were still students, just like I always got yours. And then we fall on that crazy little space adventure and while we are stuck in the same place for months, years, it's like we don't know each other any more".

"Are you... jealous of Pidge?" There was so much surprise and incomprehension in his tone and face that Lance wondered how such a smart guy could be so clueless.

"That's not really a new one" laughed Pidge. "Jealousy is like a second nature to him, just ask Keith, he knows all about that better than any of us".

Keith.

Keith hadn't said a word since they had gathered here. He probably didn't care enough to.

"It has nothing to do with jealousy" Lance continued, eyes on Hunk. "It's not about you finding someone you have more in common with to hang out. It's about you taking any occasion to make fun of me like you knew nothing about me. It's about my supposedly best friend letting someone borderline harass me and strike where it hurts every freaking time."

"Harass?" Pidge almost choked on her word, surprised and shocked at the same time. "What are you talking about? Don't you think you're taking this a little bit out of proportion?" She turned to Hunk for support but he was avoiding her eyes, just like Lance's. "Anyway" she carried on. "Maybe, I say maybe, I sometime took things a little too far, so what? You're leaving for such a petty reason? Is that so wrong to have fun from time to time?"

"If  _ from time to time _ means  _ all the time for no reason what's so ever… _ then yeah."

"No reason? Are you even listening to yourself, Lance? Most of what gets out of your mouth is ridiculous bullshit. If it's not about girls or how you'd like to have a party you're just distorting everything remotely scientific we come up with and don't understand shit about anything. And that's just for the good days, the rest of the time, beside never coming up with any idea to help a situation, you're generally the one who makes things worse by your mere presence!"

"In a word, I'm useless."

"Yes!" she blurted out exasperated. "No! that's not... that's not what I was saying."

"What were you saying, then?"

It was so weird but Lance had never felt calmer since they discovered the Blue Lion. Everything was rushed, exciting, or exhausting all the time but they never took the time to just take a seat and talk. He had hoped to avoid that situation because there was a lot of things he wasn't ready to hear because yes, he was immature. Maybe not as much as Pidge, Hunk and basically everyone accused him to, but he still had a lot to learn and one of those things was how to accept honest criticism and grow from it, no matter how hard it was.

"I'm... It's..." She looked at the others for support but they all seemed too surprised to react properly. "It's just friendly teasing, nothing more. You're just too sensitive and take things out of proportion. And now you decide to leave because you can't take it? You know you could have said something back then, right? Because it's easier to flee and complain about everyone after the fact but it takes guts to just say what's wrong on the spot. You know what, you're right, you should just leave."

Pidge tried to stand but fell back on her seat, writs attached to the armrest. She looked at them with wide eyes, tried to test the resistance before lifting angry eyes at Allura and Coran. The latter had a remote in hand and a dim expression.

"We seem to have a serious problem in the team. No one leaves before everything is said."

"Coran," tried Shiro, not really conformable with the idea. "I don't think we..."

"You are all useless to Voltron in that state of mind. We should have done that earlier but we were so caught up in battles we didn't have time." Everyone had their eyes on his concerned expression. "It's completely normal after spending so much time in a limited space that dissensions rise. In all teams like in all families, it's never perfect. You have things to tell each other. Things you need to hear. All of you." He then turned sad eyes to Lance. "You will take the time to empty your hearts on the table and once it is done, you will all leave individually and think. If you decide anything after that... it'll be your choice to make."

He left his seat and went for the door.

"No one leaves or enters. I will come back to check if everyone is alive in an hour or two."

He closed the door behind him, leaving total silence in the room. Lance turned his attention to his own tethered wrist when he met Pidge's accusing look. Keith cleared his throat.

"Coran is right. We should have done that sooner. We can't be a united team if we hold grudges against each other. If anyone has anything to tell me, I'm all ears."

Lance sneered.

"Lance, be my guest. Something to say?"

"No thanks. I'd rather not."

"I'd rather you did. If I ever offended you in any way, I would like to know."

"You never offended me"

It wasn't actually true but Lance was sometimes smart enough to know when to shut up. Most of the things that were wrong between them was his own fault. Until Keith left, that is.

"If I recall correctly, when we first met and for a long time after that you kept competing with me, as if I had done something to you, I'd really like to know about that."

Lance felt his ears heating up.

"It was stupid and has nothing to do with our current situation."

"So you have nothing to tell me?"

"Nothing."

"Okay, then. Anyone else?"

A silence made his way in the room, everyone avoiding everyone else's eyes.

"I have a problem with you." Everyone turned to Allura, surprised. "You left the team when we most needed you and risked not only our lives but other people's too. I still blame you for that even if I'd like to let go."

"I didn’t leave right away. What I was doing was important, the Blade of Marmora needed me, at the time, they were short on effective. Plus nothing really important happened, Voltron was needed to help and do ridiculous shows and you guys could manage that without me."

"So helping people get supplies and get a new home after freeing them is not as important as fighting a bunch of Galra bots?"

"It's not what I'm saying."

"Voltron is about unity, you humiliated us by not showing up."

"Not showing up to what, some stage representation? You made fools of yourselves well enough without me. Someone had to be on the fighting end of this war while you were hanging out meeting people."

"We were recruiting and we needed you."

"Shiro was there."

"It's not the same!" she was heating up and everyone could feel it. Her cheeks were reddening under the anger and her marks were flickering. Lance realized that he never saw her truly angry but the conversation was slowly getting her to this point. "Shiro wasn't well and we had so much trouble getting used to a new placement when he... disappeared, we needed you and you left."

Lance definitely didn't like the way she was unleashing her nerves on him.

"We did well enough without me."

"It's not about if we could do well without you, it's about not leaving when you take an engagement with people!"

"She's right," Pidge stepped in. "Shiro couldn't fly Black and every time a Blade of Marmora guy showed up you were already packing and ready to go without looking back."

"You always came back late without warning and we could've had a lot of problems if at the last moment the Lions hadn't chose to rearrange everything to keep the team complete." Shrugged Hunk.

"You almost ruined everything!" finished Allura, frowning at their team leader.

"It wasn't a problem when _ Pidge _ left  _ with _ a Lion for an  _ indeterminate amount of time _ ,  _ alone _ ,  _ at a complete indeterminate place _ , to look for her family. Which had  _ nothing _ to do with the Galra empire. Anything could have happened. What if we got attacked? Or what if something had happened to Green? No one cared to even wonder, huh? But when Keith leaves for some time  _ contributing _ to the war effort and coming back with  _ important information _ , suddenly everyone is mad at him. Is it just me or is there a double standard in this so called team."

Eyes were now back on Lance who was more focused on his nails scratching the armrest than the others.

"You can talk, you were mad at him too!" said Pidge, apparently not liking the idea to be once again the target of his blame.

"For personal reasons."

"Yeah,  _ “he was ruining the party” _ ."

Lance turned piercing eyes to Hunk.

"No, it was more about the only person who still seemed to want me around taking his distance after I poured out personal concerns to him. More about losing someone else I thought I could call my friend but who didn’t feel the same, otherwise he would have told me that something was wrong." He saw in the corner of his eyes Keith turning the other side while Hunk frowned. "It was definitely more than me being petty about a party. My ex best friend would have known at least that much without me having to say it."

There was another silence. Everyone was avoiding everyone’s eyes again as if a simple look could unleash another wave of anger and untold issues. Lance felt that weird thing in his chest again, as if something in him was calmer with the idea that he said what he had to but was still fuming about things that still stayed untold.

"Ok, hum. Does anyone have to say something else to me?" Asked Keith. "Whatever it is, I still want to hear it."

"I do," said Shiro. Lance could feel the tension in Keith's body without having to touch him. "I'm proud of you. Of what you have done, what you have become. I'm proud to see that you are better now than when I left for Kerberos. I am glad to see that you are in a much better place and I am still here to witness it. Whatever you did, whatever happened before, you don't run from things anymore and I couldn't be more proud of you."

Keith bit his lower lip, a smile on his face. All of a sudden, he was like glowing from the inside and without knowing why Lance was tempted to smile too.

"He is right" Allura sighed, her shoulder less straight than they were a minute ago. "Not just about Keith but all of us. We all come from different places and it's normal to have tensions and things we don't agree on, it's what happens when we have to work together for a long time with high stakes upon us. But we always came through everything. Together. And I believe that we still can. These past weeks have been hard on everyone, we lost people, we found others, we fought for this planet like we did countless time and I understand that this time was different, more personal and that it caused a lot of us to part and feel more strongly about what was wrong. But we are the Paladins of Voltron. All six of us," she added, looking briefly at Shiro, "and no matter what, we are a family. You are  _ my _ family." She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. "But now... we should take a little time and think about what we want. I inherited Voltron from my father, it is my duty and I want to fight until the threat is completely gone. It is my choice. Now you have to make yours. All of you."

The straps tethering their wrists to the armrest opened up with a light clic. They turned to the door to see Coran leaning against the door, waiting.

"I am not going to leave the fight, people still need us" said Hunk with more confidence than ever touched his voice.

"I'm staying too, you wouldn't go very far without my brain" nodded Pidge with a soft smile.

"You can count on Atlas for support."

"I'm not going anywhere either."

They all turned to Lance. He lifted his eyes to meet each and everyone of them.

"I already told you. I don't want to be a part of this anymore."

Before they had time to say anything, he stood up and left the room. There was still a lot of things he was itching to say to the others but when he passed the door, it was like something compressing his chest was finally lifting and he could finally breathe again.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! I'm really new at writting and feel like I'm just doing everything bad. I'd like someone to beta read the chapters if a courageous someone wants to go through it. It would be really nice to let me know. 
> 
> Anyway, have a nice day ^^


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